This is a journal entry from three weeks post-partum. I was overwhelmed by C-section recovery and the transition to two children.
Much has changed since then. The gash through my abdomen is now a thin scar, and my needy newborn is a giggly infant. What remains the same is God’s goodness and my Mother’s love.
Tuesday, Dec 18, 2018 (8:45pm)
Thank you for stopping by this afternoon…it was a Spirit-directed move. You arrived in time to tuck Lucy in for bed and then you sat on my bed and held my baby while I wrapped presents and spewed forth nastiness. I’m embarrassed now—I can see that I was pessimistic and selfish. It was probably not the most enjoyable hour of your day.
I asked for advice, Mom, and you gave it. You probably think I didn’t really listen because I was so quick to dismiss your words (and to insist that this is HARD), but I heard you. I’ve been thinking on it all evening.
You said that I can focus on being rather than doing; that my 2019 can be about becoming rather than accomplishing. You admitted that I can’t do it all; that I may have to step back and do less. You said that my goals will be potty training and walking—I can see now that you were inviting me to think of my girls above myself. You said that I am literally giving my life away.
I asked if it would always be this miserable, and you said that the highs would be higher and the lows lower than they have hitherto been. I complained that I cannot do the things that I used to do to cope (write, REFIT®, read, solitude); you reminded me that I have dealt with that before, that I can do it again, and that it will get better.
Mom, in your words and in your service to me today, I heard a hard message. It was an invitation to sacrifice. To quit the blame and anger and fault-finding and to truly find myself in giving myself away. To serve my children and to let compassion overwhelm my own present wants. To be patient. To ask for help. To be prayerful.
Mom, thank you for your wisdom and love.
It was a call to repent, and, God helping, I intend to accept.
Thank you, Father, for my faithful Mother who acts and speaks in Spirit and in season.